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On the loss of the handshake …

I started writing a blog post this month that you would 100% expect from me. It was on reflection and the importance of taking a pause to think back to 2020 and how we owe it to ourselves to prepare for 2021 through what we learned. In my own pause during my writing, I wondered if people are tired of being encouraged to reflect. Perhaps they have reflected too much on what could have been the worst year we have ever experienced together. Perhaps they would just like to read something that will cause a pause about something else…like a handshake.

Two weeks into COVID-19 isolation, I very clearly remember the moment when it dawned on me how much I missed shaking people’s hands. That moment had such a profound effect on me. In the months since, I have unpacked my own personal loss of the handshake.

a memorable handshake got me thinking …

Before meeting my college roommate freshman year, she and I frequently spoke on the phone, asking questions about what the other person had to contribute to the room set up … trash bin? Check. Microwave? I have that! And what about a small fridge? Let’s get our parents to buy that!

When I eventually arrived at school and opened the door to my dorm room, I looked around the corner to see if my roommate was there yet. We locked eyes and gleefully exchanged pleasantries. “You’re here! I am so excited to meet you!” She stuck out her hand to shake mine. I had never met someone my own age who put their hand out to shake mine. She had a tight grip. A very tight grip. I remember the pain I felt when the grip just kept getting tighter. And then she shook my parents’ hands. When I asked them later if it was just me that felt the power and pain in the grip, they both shared that they felt it too.

That moment left me thinking all sorts of things about my first impression of my roommate. She was strong (figuratively and literally!). She was confident. She owned the first meeting – and she was kind of in charge of that moment. I decided it was time to craft my own handshake and my first impression to others.

how my insecurities initially got in the way …

My whole life up until that point, I had been hiding my hands in my sleeves so others wouldn’t see that I only had two fingers on my left hand. Born with Symbrachydactyly Syndrome, I grew up with major insecurities about how I looked and how I wanted others to receive me. Deciding to design my own “handshake moment” meant that I had to start getting out of my comfort zone, and start keeping my sleeves (on my right hand anyway) far enough up on my wrist that it would not get in the way of my carefully crafted handshake moment.

In time, I started to feel pretty good about my handshake. Learning from my first encounter with my roommate, I decided that the power I felt in that moment was not what I wanted others to experience. While I knew I wanted to work on being more confident, I also knew that I wanted others to feel that we were on equal ground. Always. I am not any better than you. I am one with you.

I also decided that I did not want to have a weak handshake either. The limp handshake was not one that I wanted to embrace because I knew that for me to build confidence in my own skin, I needed to share that confidence with others, so we could celebrate it together. After all, this was a step in a direction of healing for me to work through my insecurities.

embracing each handshake as a celebration and sharing with others …

As I grew more confident in my handshake, I could not stop putting my hand out when I greeted others. It was a good handshake. It was a welcoming handshake. And it was MY handshake. Years of crafting, reflecting, building, understanding, healing. The only times I felt the fear creep back in was when someone would extend their left hand to me. Terrifying. In a quick response, I would still shake their hand with my right hand, which just made things awkward and uncomfortable. I am happy to report though that those moments were few and far between!

As I grew older, I learned of the Cristo Rey Network education model, where economically disadvantaged high school students worked one day a week at a company to earn a college preparatory high school degree that they would not otherwise be able to afford due to the high cost of tuition. One of the high schools became a client and they asked me to be one of their instructors for their Corporate Work Study Summer Training Institute. While I went through the steps with their program staff on how to prepare, they mentioned that each adult was expected to shake hands with the students before they came into the classroom.

Greeting over 80 fourteen-year-old students at the classroom door with a handshake? YES PLEASE!

Perhaps this was the moment that my own handshake crafting had prepared me for! Perhaps I could be the one to help them build their own confidence, own their own handshake, identify themselves … and at an earlier age than I was when I did. And what was even better? It wasn’t just about the handshake – it was also about looking every student in the eyes while reaching out my hand to shake theirs. The idea of looking into the eyes of those students strengthened my own personal desire to start our relationship on equal ground.

Extend hand, lock eyes, intentionally and confidently cup the entire hand where both hands are forced to stop meeting between the thumb and forefinger, slightly firm grip, shake three times, smile, and thank you. Repeat. Over 80 times each day of class time. In fact, I was so pumped about the opportunity, I did the same when they left the classroom. Over 160 handshakes each day. What a joy! I felt their confidence build. I felt my confidence build. I felt connected. I felt like I began over 80 purposeful relationships. Thanks to a handshake.

my handshake versus COVID-19…

A few weeks into COVID-19 isolation, I was already experiencing Zoom fatigue. So many conversations, so many tears, so much concern for the unknown. It wasn’t until I was forced into a remote environment when I began to realize how much more important the handshake was to me. I was missing the opportunity to extend my hand to new connections and people I have known for years. After so many years of practicing and reflecting on the importance of the handshake in my life, I had yet one more reason to resent this horrible virus. It took something away from me that meant more to me than I had ever imagined. It was then that it also dawned on me that it was not only that moment of greeting someone for the first time, the confidence, the level ground … it was also the importance of touch.

For so many years, we were given permission to connect through touch in our professional world through a handshake, and now that has been taken away. Some people think that we will never shake hands again. To think about that possibility brings such a feeling of loss to me. Already divided by so many other factors in our troubling society, if we are no longer going to have an opportunity to make a physical connection with other humans, I fear we are getting further and further away from the heart and soul of our why.

what can we do to continue human connection despite not being able to shake hands?

For me, I have gone back to the “whiteboard” as I design my virtual handshake and greet each new Zoom call with an intentional connection. My own virtual handshake moment starts with a commitment to be on video, a personal greeting on my whiteboard behind me and an acknowledgement of the relationship. I am hopeful that the real handshake will return some day. None of these elbow or fist bumps. The real handshake. The real connection. And no matter what I need to do to ensure the safety of my fellow peers to make this connection, I will be the first to commit to doing it. How about you?