Relax Into More Freedom
Authored by Tejal Tarro
Every year around my birthday an intention emerges as a theme for focus for the next year. I use the word emerge because I try not to force an intention, but rather allow one to arise, surprising me with how much it resonates with where I want to grow. Some years it has been “be fearless” or “be resilient.” One year, to the bemusement of my colleagues, it was “F***k it!” (I’ll let you interpret that one).
The other day, as I was making breakfast, I glanced at a candle in my kitchen that said “relax.” The resonance in my body told me at that moment that this was my intention. You may be thinking that “relax” sounds rather simplistic, but what I have learned after many years is that what is simple is not always easy. And what is simple is often what is most important in our lives.
On a physical level, I used to think of relaxing as special rewards to be earned after hard work, such as vacationing, nice dinners out or spa days. I also used to think of it as a necessary activity so that I could return more productive at work. But I have come to learn, the hard way through health challenges, that relaxing is an essential rhythm of being in a human body — period. This rhythm of relaxing is one that many of us, including me, have forgotten because of our cultural conditioning.
This rhythm works in our bodies through our sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. According to Cleveland Clinic, “Your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems have opposite roles. While your sympathetic nervous system carries signals that put your body's systems on alert, your parasympathetic carries signals that relax those systems. The two systems work together to keep your body in balance.”
“In our fast-paced and technology-enabled environments, many of us are on constant alert which, without the balance of relaxation, can create disengagement, stress, burnout and disease. But when we can create rhythms throughout the day, alternating alertness and relaxation, we can better sustain our well-being and resilience. ”
strategies to relax
I’ve learned that it is important to find effective ways to relax. While I used to think of breaks as a cup of coffee and scrolling social media, I’ve learned that this continues to activate the alert system in my body to the point of fatigue. So now relaxing my nervous system includes stretching, breathing, fresh air, petting my dog and even a mid-workday power nap (slyly marked as a meeting in my calendar). I’ve also discovered the life-altering science regulating the nervous system through somatic movement, best described by the Somatic Movement Center. For more ideas on helpful ways to relax, check out this article from Harvard Business Review, How to Take Better Breaks at Work.
While the physical level is one aspect of relaxing, what has been even more empowering for me is relaxing on an emotional level. On this level, relaxing to me is about loosening my mind’s need for control and certainty. When I can relax emotionally, mental space expands for more creative possibilities in all aspects of work and life. You may be thinking that relaxing creating more possibilities sounds counterintuitive, so let me explain a little further.
Emotions are the filter through which most of us experience ourselves and each other in the workplace (and in the rest of life). Many of the challenges we encounter at work, whether it’s finding the confidence to take risks, engaging in courageous conversations, staying resilient through difficulties, finding creative solutions or leading more inclusively, are all reliant on our ability to navigate our emotions.
Related Reading: Prioritizing Human Connection in Today’s Workplace
Often described as “energy in motion,” emotions are felt within our bodies as sensations and processed in our minds as stories. When we have what we call “uncomfortable” emotions, such as anger or anxiety, the survival or amygdala part of our brain is activated, our perspective constricts, and we can find ourselves being unconsciously reactive to the story in our mind. When we can relax into more “comfortable” emotions, such as curiosity or interest, the executive function or prefrontal cortex of our brains can activate, our perspective widens, and we are able to make more intentionally responsive choices.
Widening our perspective and being more intentionally responsive is critical to thriving in today’s complex, dynamic, ambiguous and uncertain workplace, and in life. Yet many of us — including me — struggle with shifting from reactive to responsive. For this struggle we must give ourselves a lot of compassion. While the process of shifting from reactive to responsive may seem simple, the practice of shifting, which we call emotional agility, can be a life-long journey of deepening mindfulness.
the practice of emotional agility
Psychology Today, How Mindfulness Affects the Brain and Body, describes mindfulness as “a moment-to-moment, nonjudgmental awareness of one’s internal states and surroundings” and correlates it to emotional agility by stating, “Individuals who develop high trait mindfulness can better regulate their emotions by increasing prefrontal activity and decreasing amygdala activity.”
The practice of emotional agility invites us to slow down our minds to be more aware in the present, or mindful, which can be hard when our minds are racing into the future, ruminating in the past, busy judging ourselves or busy judging each other. Over the years, practicing mindfulness through deep breathing and sensory grounding has helped me to be better at slowing down my mind. For more ideas on how to practice different forms of mindfulness, check out this article from Positive Psychology, 21 Mindfulness Exercises & Activities for Adults.
Secondly, emotional agility builds our capacity to be able to sit with our discomfort without immediately reacting, deflecting or numbing. Many of us have been deeply conditioned to see discomfort as bad and will do whatever we can to not experience it, even if it means lashing out at someone or shutting ourselves down. For me, naming my discomfort and my emotions with compassion has helped me be able to stay present. For more information on naming emotions, check out Universal Emotions by researcher Paul Ekman.
Once we have slowed down our minds and accepted our discomfort, the next step is disconnecting from the stories in our mind, especially the judgements. This can be extremely challenging because our judgements are often tied to our fixed beliefs about ourselves and others. And these judgments can show up in sneaky ways such as wanting to control, one-up, fix, manipulate, or criticize. When a judgmental thought surfaces, I invite myself to relax that thought, just for this moment and when I do let the thought go, it creates spaces or openings for me to consider other possibilities with more humility, empathy and curiosity.
Lastly, as Susan David suggests in her article and book Emotional Agility, “When you unhook yourself from your difficult thoughts and emotions, you expand your choices. You can decide to act in a way that aligns with your values.” I value connection first with myself and then with others, even when I find their behaviors challenging. So, my responsive (versus reactive) actions have grown, with considerable practice, to be more curious, honest and compassionate.
What I’ve found with this simple, but not easy, practice of relaxing is freedom:
Freedom from being entrapped by fears of failure, which has given me the courage to take my career into new directions
Freedom to not have to be perfect or right all the time, which has given me the capacity to navigate ambiguity in my environment
Freedom from being triggered by the behaviors of others, which has given me the ability to manage conflict and maintain my peace
Freedom to openly invite differing perspectives, which has made me a more inclusive leader
Freedom to express myself authentically, which has more deeply connected me to my purpose and passion
So, while the candle in my kitchen inviting me to relax might appear trite, the message actually holds deep significance in how I move through the world. And speaking of candles, American journalist Margaret Fuller states, “If you have knowledge, let others light their candles in it.” To that point, I feel really blessed that through our work at half full we can share the knowledge and practices of relaxing, mindfulness and emotional agility with our clients and community so we all can experience more freedom.
Tejal Tarro
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